2024-11-26 Staging Wirecutter

Never too Late: How learning what other women like gave me the words (and the confidence) to finally ask for what I want

Okay, confession time: I’m in my late 30s and just realized I’ve been holding back in bed. Like, way back. All my life.

When asked, I'd smile and say, 'that was great!' because parts of it were. But whenever there were things that could have felt better for me, instead of suggesting them, I clammed up.

The reason is going to sound ridiculous - but maybe my confession will help others out there. I kept my mouth shut out of a fear of commitment. Like if I said I did or didn't want my boyfriend to touch me in some way, I’d get locked into that. Almost as if he had a clipboard with a permanent marker noting what I said I did and didn't want. And then, if another time I didn't want the thing I’d asked for previously, I imagined my boyfriend would get frustrated — like I’d flip-flopped on him. And was being overly confusing. “But remember you said you liked this!” or “But you said you didn’t like this!” Note my boyfriend is lovely and NEVER said anything like these things. It was all in my head.

And because I'd never talked about it with anyone, even my closest girlfriends, I just didn't question it until this week when...

I heard other women say they did the exact same thing!

There's a website, OMGYES, where women share the stuff about sex that women don’t share. Like this.

I came across OMGYES because it was recommended by New York Time's Wirecutter - which is my go-to source for choosing the best of pretty much everything. Thanks to Wirecutter's thorough testing and only recommending truly awesome stuff, I have the best tent, knives, socks, wireless router, luggage, everything. So when I saw they recommended OMGYES, I thought, why not.

I was a Sex Information Skeptic.
I doubted a website would really show me anything new about sex? I was already having orgasms. And there's so much sex tip BS out there with acrobatic pretzel sex positions no one actually does in real life.

But OMGYES wasn't about wildly new techniques, it was about the real stuff women experience but don't say. And it made me understand, for the first time, what I already want and like and how to make it happen IRL.

OMGYES partnered with researchers at IU and Yale to interview over 20,000 women (ages 18-95!) and figured out the important stuff women realize about their pleasure too late in life, if at all.

A big chunk is about psychology - and the thought patterns that keep women (like me) from figuring out exactly what we want and asking for it. There are hundreds of short videos with regular-looking women of all ages who talk about this stuff so openly that it was addicting. It was like hearing a thousand secrets and LOTS of them were my secrets, too. I binge-watched it and, over and over felt like, "OMG, me too! I thought that was just me!"

The big click for me was the section called 'Staging'

Staging is about how women describe the same stages of arousal. And the touch that feels good (or doesn’t) changes depending on how turned on you are.

Samantha's Knuckle and the Ladder Analogy: Real Women, Real Talk, Real Results

The women in the OMGYES videos are charming and just lay it out there. Samantha is the greatest. She uses a ladder analogy to describe her stages of arousal and I totally relate. Climbing up the ladder is like heading towards orgasm. But if her partner stops or changes what they’re doing at the wrong time, she doesn’t just go down a rung. She falls off the ladder entirely and has to start climbing again from the bottom.

She also developed a way to explain the way she likes her clitoris touched, super precisely, by ribbing her knuckle. The skin moves over the hard cylinder knuckle part underneath and you can demo speed, pressure, motion.

So here’s what I recommend to women, men and couples:

● Go through the Staging Section first. And really let it settle in that we each don't have one set of preferences but LOTS. We're like different bodies that like different things at these different stages.
● Then go through each technique (there are many dozen) and make a note of which ones you already like or want to try at each stage.
● Then treat the night not like regular sex sessions but like learning sessions, where you're both asking your body, 'what do you like at this stage?'

It changed sex because it was a new kind of no-pressure session. We were both curious, experimenting, giggling, and totally open to trying things that didn't work and learning from the experience.

What different things feel good right at the start, going from cold? What about when desire is starting to build? What about when clothes are still on but there's carressing and grabbing? What about starting to build to orgasm? etc.

The “Not Yet” Revolution: Saying What I Want, When I Want It

One night, my partner and I were kissing. It had only been a minute or two, and he went for my crotch and rubbed. I knew I wasn’t ready for that kind of touch yet. Before OMGYES, I would have just gritted my teeth and waited. But this time, I channeled my inner Samantha and said, “Not yet.” I didn’t worry about killing the mood or making him feel bad or him interpretting that I'd never like to be rubbed again. I had the confidence of 20,000 women backing me up! He totally understood. He said, “Okay, I’ll tease you a little more. I’d love to.” And he did.

A Treasure Map we Can Explore Forever

Not everything on OMGYES.com is going to work for everyone. That's the point. But it gives you a framework about when to try what, a shared language, and it lowers the stakes all the way down. And that’s huge.

Now I tell my girlfriends, guy friends, couple friends:
It’s never too late to discover sex can get even better. Because ALL of us have wack reasons floating around in our head not to speak up and get specific. Which robs you of learning more about yourself and your partner of learning more about you.
It's so damn cool the process of seeing the women on OMGYES, and realizing how normal these blocks are, and then watching those blocks crumble and get rebuilt so you’re actually building a shared understanding.

It wasn't a night of wild amazing sex. And yes, talking about sex isn't the sexiest thing. But it was so so worth it. I wish I'd done it decades earlier. And I wish it for all of you, too.

Affiliate link: Just like with Wirecutter, if you purchase OMGYES through my link, it helps support my work! So thanks in advance. And if you have a friend who would benefit from this article - send it on! 🥰