2024-02-29 1.Lighter

"I wish we hadn't waited decades to get clear on what I like and don't!

All these years, whenever my lover focused on making me feel good, I'd get anxious and change to doing something they liked. Now I see that was a mistake.

Because it taught them I didn't want it. When in fact I did, just not the exact way they were doing it. All I felt able to say to change what they were doing was to say "Lighter."

After watching other women explain my same experience in the videos on OMGYES, I realize there are ways I can guide my partner to what I want, without it being uncomfortable or raunchy or bossy.

I can ask for the specific things I DO want (which now I know are called Hinting and Layering.) ‘Hinting’ is kind of like teasing: super super light touch that meanders but doesn’t actually hit the most sensitive spots. And ‘Layering’ is touch that gently moves the skin back and forth, rather than pressing, rubbing or sliding.

These techniques (and new terms) came from this new research that asked over 20,000 women to explain exactly what they liked. And the researchers from IU and Yale put all of it on a website with animations, videos and how-to’s.

Some things really aren’t my cup of tea, but it’s helpful precisely knowing the range of what other women like, and what specific things I DON'T like. And being clear on the few things I really DO like has kind of been a breakthrough for us. We've got words for them now. And we see how normal they are, to like, to do and to ask for.

Women, I hope you have the experience I had of finally being clear on your big yes’s and big no’s so you can be clear with yourself and your partner what you want.

And guys/partners, treat it like a super-honest window into the things we like that we haven’t put into words (because there weren’t words for them before this research!)"